Breaking the Silence

Hello readers,

I haven't been posting for the past month, mostly because I was busy at first, but then because I grew discouraged about my lack of readers. Why could I not just email Ashley -- because she is the only one reading? (Thank you, Ashley) But recently I've been come aware of several others who are privately reading my posts, and in that I take heart! So here I am, breaking the silence.

I don't have any cute pictures for you... and after look in wonder (because you will!) at my dear friend's blog, this is a decidedly a disappointment for me. You see, I would love to take pictures of my homemade pretzels and my experiments with growing cilantro and basil that I got at the Eastern Market I love to go to on foggy Saturday mornings to buy fresh fruit, flowers and herbs. But I can't because my camera was stolen when our apartment was broken into last fall, and of everything we lost, I lament that the most. So there you have it... my silly troubles with blogging. So you'll have to be happy just imaging my wonderful works of photographic genius :P of all my house-wifey endeavors. And I'm sure... they will be better in your minds than in reality!

Here is what I do have for you though -- a small meditation on earthen vessels and light that is sown (I'll put that in another post because it is a separate thought).

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 

...Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory" 

II Corinthians 4:7-9, 16,17

I know these verses by heart and have read them so many many times. But their reality never hit home with me until I was pouring my troubles and fears out to a long time friend and "kindred spirit" last night and she reminded me of these verses. I think she only meant to show me the first one... but the Spirit of God brought me to the second section as well. 

I -- my body -- is merely an earthen vessel. One full of weakening fear, heartbreaking failure and fierce pride. I don't think I ever knew this so much as I know it now after ten months of marriage and coming face to face with -- not my husband -- but with myself. Every. single. day. And now, as I wait for word from an application that could determine the next year (if not the rest of our lives), I feel the fearful selfish little girl in me rising up in defiance to what God is doing in my life. I've seen a lot of my ugly self in the past few weeks, sticking its head up to taunt me at the most inconvenient times! And... besides having a huge amount of pity and gratefulness to my patient husband, am sad to see the "old man" (Eph 4:22) rising up so often in the face of trouble in spite of trying so hard to push his ugly face down. 

But this verse has come as such a comfort to me... I am an earthen vessel, but I have a treasure inside -- the excellent power of God. And even if I am overwhelmed and afraid and failing, He is in me with all the power of an Almighty God. I do not have to be perfect in the face of trials. I do not have to bear it alone and muscle my way through life. I realized, as verse 16 says so beautifully -- my affliction is light. No matter what I face, my affliction is light compared to what He has planned for me. "looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Heb 12:2)